A Simple Guide to Difficult Conversations
How to address small wounds before they turn into wars.
I recently witnessed a painful situation between two relatives I care about.
The first, let’s call her Maria, is deeply upset about a promise the other, Adam, broke.
The “offense” happened a year ago. To me, it seemed small. To Maria, it wasn’t.
She’s held on to it ever since. Every time Adam’s name comes up, she brings it up.
From that broken promise, Maria concluded that Adam didn’t care about her and wasn’t considerate. She even questioned his character.
I wasn’t involved. Yet, I know every detail of how much this hurt her.
Adam, meanwhile, knows absolutely nothing. In the past year, Maria never once told him how she felt, and continues to feel, about that situation.
I’ve pressed her to say something. She refuses. To her, the idea that Adam doesn’t “already know what he did” is absurd.
“Of course he knows,” she insists. After the offense, she was cold with him for a couple of weeks and dodged his calls. “So, I’m sure he noticed.”
But then she went back to treating him as before. On the surface, their relationship looks normal. Underneath, the grudge is alive and growing.
This situation is terrible because:
Maria is still hurt and holding on to resentment.
Adam doesn’t know something’s wrong, and loses the chance to repair and apologize.
If the resentment keeps building, one day it might all erupt into a fight Adam never saw coming.
Their relationship suffers unnecessarily.
Have the uncomfortable conversation
This happens everywhere. At home, at work, between friends. Someone hurts us, and instead of telling them, we tell everyone else.
We assume they know. We create stories about what happened and treat them as fact.
Why? Because talking to the person directly feels unbearable. So we choose the easier route: Avoidance.
But avoidance is to relationships what rust is to metal. Corrosive.
If we want them to thrive, we need to choose the harder path: speaking up.
If your heart skipped a beat at the thought, here’s some good news: this is a skill. You can learn it, practice it, and get better at it.
A few minutes of discomfort can save you years of resentment.
Yes, conversations can escalate and that’s why it helps to have tools.
Here are some of mine:
1. Change your mindset around confrontation
Before the conversation, keep these pillars in mind:
It’s your responsibility to express how you feel. People aren’t mind readers.
You’re not attacking them. You’re not mean nor selfish. You’re doing this because you care.
Follow Adar Cohen’s rule: “You don’t know anything. And even if you do, pretend you don’t.” Go in with curiosity about the other person’s perspective.
Bring empathy. Be ready to hear how you might have hurt them too.
It’s not you versus them. It’s you and them versus the problem. Think of it as inviting them to fix the issue with you, as a team.
2. Use powerful phrases
These keep things calm:
“I need to have an uncomfortable conversation with you.” As Simon Sinek explains, this prepares them for what’s coming. Choose a place and time when you’re both ready, calm and in the right mental space.
“I chose to have this conversation with you instead of avoiding it, because I care about you/our relationship.” This lowers their defensiveness.
If you’re feeling nervous, clumsy or afraid to say the wrong thing, say just that: “I’m feeling a little nervous about this conversation and I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing. Please be patient with me as I try to explain where I’m coming from.”
“When you did X, I felt Y.” instead of “You made me feel Y”. This points to the behavior, not the person.
“The story I’m telling myself is... Help me understand your perspective.” It shows them you’re open to changing your mind and meeting them halfway.
At the end of the conversation, even if it didn’t go as well as you’d hoped, see if you can add something like “I’m glad we talked about this, thank you for being open to it”, “I see things differently now” or, if it’s the case “I feel this conversation has brought us closer.” Sometimes, a difficult conversation becomes a trust amplifier.
3. Mind your body
Your body speaks louder than words.
A calm tone, open posture, even a smile can reduce tension.
If things get heated, plant your feet, breathe, and remind yourself, “I am safe.”
4. Embrace vulnerability
Telling someone they hurt you takes courage. It’s easier to let our ego get away with “I don’t even care”. Even if that means resentment and endless rumination.
But vulnerability builds intimacy and trust. In my experience, it’s always worth it.
And even if the other person doesn’t meet you halfway, you’ll know you tried.
That gives you clarity on how much to invest in that relationship moving forward.
The truth is, Maria and Adam’s relationship doesn’t have to keep silently suffering. Neither does yours. Grudges are heavy. Tough conversations are scary.
But when we choose courage over avoidance, we give our relationships a real chance to heal and grow.
Don’t you think it’s worth a try?
Thus happened with my Neighbor. I had no idea she felt that way. And so she opened up and told me and I was like none of it was on purpose and now we’re cool.
Things bites at us and eats us alive and we don’t say them. It’s very unhealthy. The best is just to communicate no matter how uncomfortably it makes us.
Thank you my friend💯
Great article. If we don’t share what is not making sense to us or bothering us, how are people going to know. They’re probably not psychic 🙂