How to Stop Donating Your Peace to Moments That Don't Deserve It

Three reminders that save my mood.

I’m trying to pass a huge truck just before a curve and I’m already on edge.
The car behind me is tailgating me aggressively, flashing their headlights.
My anxiety spikes and I start shouting insults at them that they can’t hear.
They honk.
I resist the urge to give them the finger as I finally retreat, giving up on the whole truck-passing endeavor.

I’m standing in line at the supermarket.
When it’s finally my turn, a gentleman cuts right in front of me and heads to the next available checkout. Who does he think he is?

I’m running a meeting and my manager keeps interrupting me.
As soon as I open my mouth to reply, he glances at his watch. I feel small and disrespected.

All of these situations have one thing in common: In each and every one of them, I took things personally.

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The Weight of Resentment

I don’t know about you, but I for one hate feeling resentful.

Grudges are heavy, and I don’t want to carry them for longer than necessary. So whenever I feel wronged, I look for ways to free myself from the disempowering feeling.

I never do this for the offender. I always do it for me.

Over time, I've found a 3-step strategy that works almost every time. and today I want to share it with you.

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1 — Know This: It’s The Ego Talking

Before casting blame, look inward.

Most of the time, when I feel wronged, the real culprit is my ego.

It’s that part of me that screams: “I’m important. I exist. I am here. See me. Respect me!”

Whenever it’s hurt, the ego makes you see the entire situation through the lens of a victim.

And this lens builds narratives that support our position as the wronged one:
The impatient driver stressed me out. The line cutter disrespected me. They did not give me the consideration I deserved.

We make it all about us, when in reality, it’s all about them.

While indulging in righteous victimhood feels satisfying in the moment, it does nothing for our happiness.

To regain control, we have to challenge this angle, and force ourselves to see the situation from the eyes of the offender.

I know it feels completely counterintuitive, but it works.

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2 — Don’t Let Assumptions Win

Hanlon’s Razor is a powerful mental model that says:

“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.”

I like to replace the word stupidity with unawareness, as it’s a much more common reason in my view.

When somebody annoys us, it’s easy to get carried away in detailed narratives that assignes to them all kinds of intentions.

I find it immensely helpful to remember that most people are not evil.
They’re not intentionally trying to hurt me.
They either don’t know any better, or have reasons for acting as they did; reasons that I know nothing about.

We create stories around these offenses, then we believe them as if they were the absolute truth.
And worst of all, we act on them.
We cut people off, or impulsively lash out at them.

Nowadays, when I catch myself crafting a narrative on somebody’s intentions, I forbid myself from believing it, even if my mind screams at me how obvious and true my assumption is.

It’s crucial to remember that it’s only an assumption and that the reality can always surprise us.

Ask yourself:

“If this email had been sent by my favorite colleague whom I know has my best interests at heart, would it read with the same tone in my head?”

The answer is almost always no.
The best part is that, in the rare cases in which there truly is malice, we can choose whether or not to be affected by it.

For that, I turn to ancient wisdom and keep this quote in mind:

“If someone succeeds in provoking you, realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation.” — Epictetus

Reclaim your power over the situation and refuse to be a victim.

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3 — Empathy’s Your Friend

This is a tricky one, but perhaps the most effective step: You need to find it in yourself to empathize with whomever has offended you.

I used to have a colleague whom the whole office found obnoxious. Every time he opened his mouth, he adopted this “know-it-all” tone and lectured everyone about how they should be doing things. Some people described his comments in meetings as a nail on a chalkboard.
To make matters worse, nature had inflicted upon him a permanent expression of superiority. An unfortunate eyebrow placement made them appear constantly raised in disapproval and arrogance.

After participating in a team meeting in which he once again angered everyone, I reminded myself how unlucky the poor guy was.

“Imagine,” I thought, “if you had so little charisma that every time you tried to contribute to a conversation, everything you said was systematically discarded just because it came out of your mouth.”

I would hate to be burdened with this and disliked by everyone around me, without having the slightest idea why.

After I formulated this thought and imagined myself in his shoes, I managed to find it in my heart to be much less annoyed by — and even friendlier to — him.

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Let Go of the Hot Coal

Keeping the ego in check is not something you do once and are over with. As Ryan Holiday says, think about it like cleaning your kitchen. The mess is deemed to come back.

Resentment is nothing but this comfortable nest we make for anger, bitterness, and cynicism. It keeps them alive and well for a long time.

The driver pressuring me on the road? Perhaps he’d just had terrible news and was rushing to the hospital. My manager interrupting my presentation? He’s unaware he’s doing it. His intention is to add value to the conversation, not to make me feel small.

Or maybe the driver, the line skipper, and the manager are all inconsiderate people.

Either way, I get to choose what I do with it.

I have the option of not reacting to the honks and take my time passing the truck.
I can kindly signal to the line cutter that I was there before him.
I can ignore my manager’s interruptions and keep talking in a higher voice.

We always have a choice, and that’s liberating news.

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” — Buddha

Let go of the hot coal and choose peace.

Will you drop a little 💜 for me?

It’ll feel like catching your smile across a crowded room ✨

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What's something small that recently took up more of your peace than it deserved? Tell me in the comments. We'll workshop it together. 👇🏼

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Also, if you find yourself rehashing these moments long after they're over…

And if you're new here, subscribe for more reframes like this one, every Sunday ✨

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