There’s a Squatter in Your Head. It's Time You Kicked Her Out.
A guide to spotting, naming, and neutralizing the voice that keeps putting you down
I can still see myself, sitting at my desk in that poorly lit open office space.
I’m holding my head in both my hands and looking down at electrical specifications, desperately trying to make sense of them.
I was twenty-nine and had recently taken a big leap of faith.
I’d just left a cool life and a fancy corporate job in Paris behind
to take on a new job title,
at a new company,
in a new industry,
and a new country —
speaking a new language.
To say the least, I’m feeling out of my depth and I’m desperately trying to hide it.
Months had passed since joining the team, and I feel I no longer have the “newcomer” excuse. I am an engineer after all, and that document isn’t supposed to be so challenging to me.
And yet, it very much is and so is every other technical aspect of the job.
An uninterrupted litany of thoughts is running through my mind:
“You’re an imposter of an engineer, everyone seems to be good at their job but you. You must be really dumb. You’ll never fit in. You suck at this. You’ll be discovered sooner and later, and you’ll be severely reprimanded. People will talk about you behind your back and make jokes about how stupid you are. You’ll never find a job you’re good at. You’re good at nothing and enjoy nothing...”
…and then one day, I noticed it. I suddenly became aware of this string of thoughts.
I just heard it. This voice that has been saying these things to me for weeks.
Man…It is so mean.
It spends entire days calling me stupid, pointing out every tiny mistake that I make, amplifying all my insecurities and sending me home with my head down every single evening. Hello? Who’s there?
That moment changed everything. Why? Because once I saw her, I couldn’t unsee her anymore.
My mean roommate was discovered.
She’d been living rent-free and uninvited in my head without me noticing her sneaking in. She’d been whispering things to me, passing her voice as my own. And I had been completely bewitched by her and allowed her to crush my spirit for weeks.
Game over, Saida (yes, I named her – apologies to all Saidas of the world).
How to Spot the Mean Roommate
Most of us have a mean roommate inside our heads.
Perhaps she was planted there when we were children by a critical parent, a cruel teacher or a bully. Or perhaps specific events in our life opened the door for her.
Whatever the reason, she must be discovered and tamed—for if left unattended, she has the power to ruin your life.
The reason I had been so miserable for weeks is that I simply was unaware of where that talk was coming from. I was taking everything she was saying at face value and feeling accordingly. Once I saw her, half the work was done.
Here are a few tips to help you spot your Saida, no matter what you choose to call him or her:
This voice is harsh. It really has a terrible tone when speaking to you and doesn’t bother with choosing the right words.
It uses the words “never”, “can’t”, “aren’t” a lot:
“You’ll never be a real engineer.”
“You aren’t good at this.”
“You can’t understand electrical stuff.”It does its best to keep you exactly where you are and avoid you taking any risks.
It’s always playing realistic and horrifying scenarios in your head that usually end with you spectacularly screwing up, being reprimanded, and feeling deeply ashamed.
It won’t shut up. The less you’re aware of her, the more space she’ll take up—until she self-declares herself queen of the place.
It’s Discovered - Now What?
I tend to find it extremely validating whenever I find out that some lonely and hard experience I’ve been going through is actually clearly articulated by experts—and this was no exception.
I’d been calling it the evil voice, the roommate, and Saida, but it’s most commonly known as “The Inner Critic”.
It’s a concept that describes a negative thought process of self-talk leading to fear or shame (often the fear of shame, in my case). In reality, it is nothing more than the manifestation of the lack of self-compassion we have for ourselves.
Once you’ve spotted the illegal squatter, congratulations—you’re halfway there. It’s going to be much easier from now on.
Here are the next steps to finally regain control over your thoughts and self-esteem:
Practice spotting the evil voice whenever it starts speaking to you. Take it with humor and lightness.
“There goes Saida again,” I would tell myself, “looks like she’s especially cranky today” or “Oh hello Saida, there you are. You’re in great shape today!”Whenever the squatter brings up the “never”, “can’t”, and “aren’t” comments, reply with:
“Is this really true?”
Challenge those thoughts and treat them with scrutiny, as if you were a professional fact-checker.
“You suck at public speaking”
“Is that really true? Am I really that bad at public speaking? I may not be a professional speaker, but I remember my colleagues nodding along and asking questions at the end of my presentation.”If the voice says something you know is true, add the magic word “yet.”
This simple three-letter word is a true game changer.
“I don’t know how to do that… yet.”
“I’m not good at painting… yet.”
“I can’t speak great Spanish… yet.”
The good thing about these actions is that, over time, they become second nature.
My inner squatter hasn’t moved out yet, and perhaps she never will.
But that’s okay.
She is now only occupying a small corner of my brain, instead of ruling the place. Plus, every time she starts talking, I’ve become an expert at recognising her voice and shutting her down, armed with my weapons of choice: “Is that really true?” and “…yet.”
Sometimes, just a simple “Shut up, Saida!” does wonders.
Now It’s Your Turn
Give it a try.
Spot your evil voice.
Give it a name.
Treat it as a separate entity from yourself.
Question everything it says to you.
For those moments when you spot an opportunity for growth, follow shame researcher Brené Brown’s advice and “talk to yourself like you would to someone you love”.
You are the closest friend you’ll ever have, so treat yourself as such—and watch as life becomes much more peaceful.
If you've already given your inner-critic a name, I’d love to hear it.
If not, what would you call him/her/it?
Drop the name in the comments and let’s see what everyone’s inner critics are called!
I call my inner critic, “Little Dude.” As in, “listen here, Little Dude, your opinion is just your opinion. It isn’t a fact. There’s plenty of evidence to the contrary. Take for example when we…”
Great observations and terrific article!
I love your writing style! It’s so relatable. My inner critic is called the Quiet Imposter. Some days are better than others but reframing those negative thoughts truly helps.