The Kind of Grown-Up I’m Learning to Be
11 Things Emotionally Mature People Do Differently.
If you saw a child throwing a tantrum in the cereal aisle, it wouldn’t strike you as unusual. You’d likely shrug it off as a child… being a child.
Or if your 12-year-old daughter told you she’d been giving her best friend the cold shoulder for days, you’d recognize it as typical behavior for her age.
Same if you spotted your friend’s kid, arms crossed, pouty mouth, sulking because he was denied ice cream for breakfast.
We expect this kind of behavior from kids. But somehow, we’ve normalized adults acting in very similar ways.
Lashing out. Giving the silent treatment. Sulking. Brooding.
The truth is, emotional maturity isn’t a function of age. It comes with skill.
I know 60-year-olds who sulk like teenagers, and 30-year-olds who carry themselves with the dignified presence of elders.
The Magnetic Calm of the Emotionally Mature
I find emotionally mature people magnetic.
There’s something about their calm, confidence, and tranquil sense of worth that draws me in.
They radiate a kind of wisdom and detachment from the small stuff.
They feel both calm and powerful.
This is the version of myself I’m working toward.
I’ve thought a lot about what it means to be an emotionally mature person.
I’ve spent a lot of time observing both the mature and the not-so-mature people in my life.
As a result, I can safely say I’ve become more emotionally mature myself. I’m not where I want to be yet. But I am calmer, clearer, and far less reactive.
My relationships feel lighter. Conflicts resolve more quickly. I carry less emotional weight for shorter periods of time.
So what does emotional maturity really mean?
Here’s what I’ve come to see:
11 Traits of Emotionally Mature People
1. They leave space between emotion and reaction.
They don’t let a strong feeling dictate their next move.
They pause. They breathe.
They respond with intention instead of reacting.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you’re probably sick of my favorite quote by now, but I can’t help repeating it:
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space lies our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom"
— Victor E. Frankl
2. They assume ignorance before malice.
They interpret bad behavior as likely coming from ignorance or fear, not bad intent. They know very few people on this earth are evil psychopaths looking to destroy them.
3. They give others the benefit of the doubt.
When offended, they practice API — Assuming Positive Intent. To recognize their own ignorance and to protect their peace of mind.
4. They aren’t defensive.
When given negative feedback, they don’t close off or lash out.
They listen, reflect, and — if needed — apologize.
5. They rise above pettiness.
They don’t let others bring out their worst.
They’re able to rise above small and petty behavior and be the bigger person, because they actually are.
6. They forgive.
Maybe not instantly, and not naively, but they don’t cling to grudges longer than necessary. They prioritize peace over pride.
7. They aren’t ruled by others’ opinions.
The French call it Le regard des autres, the gaze of others.
It doesn’t mean they’re completely immune to it, but they don’t let fear of judgement dictate their every decision, and their life.
8. They have perspective.
In difficult situations, they’re able to zoom out and contextualize.
They go on long walks, journal, or simply remind themselves that worse things have happened.
They can create some distance from their issues.
9. They embrace nuance.
They don’t think in absolutes.
They understand that black and white thinking can rarely be trusted.
They acknowledge that people and situations are often layered, complex, and even contradictory sometimes.
10. They’re self-aware.
They reflect on their past and how it’s shaped who they are.
They name what they’re feeling.
They ask themselves why.
They frequently go inward to gather helpful insights.
11. They don’t expect you to guess what’s wrong.
If they’re upset with you, they simply tell you.
They don’t stew, punish, or expect you to read their mind.
They use their words.
If you matter to them, they’ll choose a time to bring it up and talk it through.
And if you don’t, they’ll simply let it go and move on.
A Spectrum, Not a Scorecard
Emotional maturity is a spectrum. We’re all stronger in some areas than others.
No one “arrives” at full maturity. We all have blind spots. Regressions. Reactions we’re not proud of.
But keeping emotional maturity in mind gives us something to move toward; a wiser self to grow into.
And every time we pause instead of react, zoom out instead of spiral, or choose dignity over pettiness…
We become a little more emotionally mature.
A little calmer.
A little more our best selves.
Which of these traits do you wish more people practiced?
Really enjoyed this piece, especially Victor Frankl’s quote. Thanks for sharing, Ilham :)
Thank you, Ilham.
I think emotional maturity is something we acquire over time, as we get older. It becomes stronger as the self-centered nature of being young gradually changes into being introspective, yes, but at the same time outward-looking, and intentionally more sensitive towards, and more aware of, other people.
I can certainly reflect soberly on many of the 'silly' and inappropriate ways I reacted to situations when I was younger, whereas now, I couldn't imagine myself making the same mistakes or looking at things in the same way.
When we become more self-aware, the very act of starting to become more emotionally mature, is a big step in itself. It provides the foundation from which we can then build those values (including what Frankl refers to in the quote - which I also love 😊); pausing, taking time to think carefully before we react, considering the impact our behavior has on others (and ourselves) and taking a more detached, even philosophical, view at situations where we might have reacted differently before, while knowing (learning) a better and more mature way of handling them now.