Take Nothing Personally, It's The Best Feeling Ever

Resentment is heavy. Here’s how to drop the burden and breathe easy in just three simple steps.

Image of Uliana Semenova on Unsplash

I’m trying to pass a huge truck just before a curve and I’m already on edge.
The road isn’t exactly wide and I don’t enjoy driving.
The car behind me is clearly in a rush. They tailgate me aggressively, flashing their headlights, pressuring me to go faster.
My anxiety spikes and I start shouting insults at them that they can’t hear.
They honk.
I resist the urge to give them the finger as I finally retreat, giving up on the whole truck-passing endeavor.

I’m at my desk, I have just read the rudest email.
I feel patronized, anger rushing through my veins.

I’m standing in line at the supermarket.
When it’s finally my turn, a gentleman cuts right in front of me and heads to the next available checkout. Who does he think he is?

I enter a pharmacy, a prescription in my hand.
The woman at the counter is counting cash. She looks up and bluntly tells me they aren’t open yet. “Then why the hell are your doors open to the public?” I mutter as I leave, irritated.

I’m running a meeting and my manager keeps interrupting me.
As soon as I open my mouth to reply, he glances at his watch. I feel small and disrespected.

All of these situations have one thing in common: In each and every one of them, I took things personally.

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The Weight of Resentment

I don’t know about you, but I for one hate feeling resentful.

You know the feeling. The dark cloud fogging your brain. Suddenly, your chest feels heavy and your eyes are shooting daggers. Your throat might tighten and you suddenly feel like crying.

Taking things personally makes us sulk. It makes us want to retaliate. It can trigger the smallest and meanest parts of us, turning us into the worst version of ourselves.

The thing about resentment is that it inevitably makes you feel like a victim.
No matter the context or the reason behind it, that very feeling of having been wronged, denied something, or disappointed can cage you into a state of negativity and agitation.

But does this serve you? Wouldn’t you rather feel calm and joyful?

Whenever I feel wronged, I start looking for ways to free myself from this disempowering feeling.

Grudges are heavy, and I don’t want to carry them for longer than necessary.

I never do this for the offender. I always do it for me.

Because life is too short. Because ultimately, I love me. Me deserves lightness.

In order to switch from rancor to peace, I have learned a 3-steps strategy that is incredibly effective and today I want to share it with you.

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1 — Know This: It’s The Ego Talking

Before casting blame, look inward.

The real culprit behind feeling wronged has a name: The almighty Ego.

It’s that part of you that screams: “I’m important. I exist. I am here. See me. Respect me!”

Whenever you feel triggered, realize that it’s mostly because your ego has been hurt.

Your ego’s pain makes you see the entire situation through the lens of a victim.

And this lens makes us build narratives that support our position as the victim:
The impatient driver stressed me out. The line passer disrespected me. They did not give me the consideration I deserved.

We make it all about us, when in reality, it’s all about them.

While indulging in righteous victimhood feels satisfying in the moment, it does nothing for our happiness.

In order to regain control over our emotions, we must first become aware of our ego’s pain.
Then, we learn to challenge this angle, and force ourselves to see the situation from the eyes of the offender.

I know it feels completely counterintuitive, but it works.

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2 — Don’t Let Assumptions Win

Hanlon’s Razor is a powerful mental model that says:

“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.”

I like to replace the word stupidity by unawareness, as it’s a much more common reason in my view.
I believe many intelligent people do make mistakes that are more attributable to them being oblivious or inattentive rather than to a low IQ.

When somebody annoys us, it’s easy to get carried away in detailed narratives that attribute to the offender all kinds of intentions. Or, in some other cases, we’re too caught up in feeling wronged to even pause and think about the other person’s motives.

I find it immensely helpful to remember that most people are not evil.
They are not intentionally trying to hurt me.
They either don’t know any better, or have valid reasons for acting as they did; reasons that I know nothing about.

We inflict pain on ourselves by creating assumptions and narratives around these offenses, and then we believe them as if they were the absolute truth.
And worst of all, we act on them.
We cut people off, or impulsively lash out at them.

Nowadays, when I catch myself crafting a narrative on somebody’s intentions, I forbid myself from believing it — even if my mind screams at me how obvious and true my assumption is.

It is crucial to remember that it is only an assumption and that the reality can always surprise us.

Ask yourself:

“If this email had been sent by my favorite colleague whom I know has my best interests at heart, would it read with the same tone in my head?”

The best part is that, in the rare cases in which there truly is malice, we can choose whether or not to be affected by it.

For that, I turn to ancient wisdom and keep this powerful quote in mind:

“If someone succeeds in provoking you, realize that your mind is complicit in the provocation.” — Epictetus

Reclaim your power over the situation and refuse to be a victim.

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3 — Empathy’s Your Friend

This is a tricky one, but perhaps the most effective step: You need to find it in yourself to empathize with whomever has offended you.

I used to have a colleague whom the whole office found obnoxious. Every time he opened his mouth, he adopted this “know-it-all” tone and lectured everyone about how they should be doing things. He had a poor choice of words and some people described his interventions in meetings as a nail on a chalkboard.
To make matters worse, nature had inflicted upon him a permanent expression of superiority. An unfortunate eyebrow placement made them appear constantly raised in disapproval and arrogance.

After participating in a team meeting in which he once again triggered everyone, I reminded myself how unlucky the poor guy was.

“Imagine,” I thought, “if you had so little charisma that every time you tried to contribute to a conversation, everything you said was systematically discarded just because it came out of your mouth.”

It’s a handicap, really. I would hate to be burdened with this and disliked by everyone around me, without having the slightest idea why.

After I formulated this thought and imagined myself in his shoes, I managed to find it in my heart to be much less annoyed by — and even friendlier to — him.

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Let Go of the Hot Coal

Keeping the ego in check is not something you do once and are over with. As Ryan Holiday says, think about it like cleaning your kitchen. The mess is deemed to come back.

We should think about it as more of a recurrent maintenance task, one to be performed with special care anytime we feel resentful. Resentment is nothing but this comfortable nest we make for anger, bitterness, and cynicism.
It keeps them alive and well for a long time in a way that does not serve us.

The driver pressuring me on the road? Perhaps he’d just had terrible news and was rushing to the hospital to check on a loved one.
The man cutting me off in line? He was probably confused about the sense of the line. It was ignorance, not malice.
My manager interrupting my presentation? He’s unaware he’s doing it. His intention is to bring value to the conversation, not to discredit me in front of my peers.

Or perhaps, the driver, the line skipper, and the manager are all evil people looking to hurt me.

If so, I’m in control.

I have the option of not reacting to the honks and I can take my time passing the truck.
I can gently signal to the line cutter that I was there before him.
I can ignore my manager’s interruptions and keep talking in a higher voice.

We always have a choice, and that’s liberating news.

So the next time someone triggers you, try these steps and notice how much better it feels not to hold on to rancor for longer than necessary.

Think about this quote that’s attributed to Buddha:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

Let go of the hot coal and choose peace.

How does this land for you? Do you see it the same way or from another angle? I’d genuinely love to hear your perspective. Share it with me in the comments!