I Was Spiraling. These 3 Ideas Quieted the Noise.
When logic, philosophy, and therapy spoke in unison. Zoom out, feel small, and finally breathe again.
November, 2024 – Here I am, curled up on my couch, my chest tight and heavy with worry. I’m going through my last round of fertility treatment before being placed on a year-long waitlist for a more invasive one.
The two previous rounds failed, obviously.My brain is once again throwing an anxiety party and inviting in all kinds of scary thoughts. They’re all dancing around in my head and playing videos of the most convincing and awful scenarios. I’m thinking:
“What if it all fails?”
I remember the specific moment I finally managed to snap out of this dark place.
I was sitting at the exact same spot about a week later, staring at the wall with a cup of hot tea in my hands, when suddenly, something inside me clicked.
That moment was the result of multiple coaching sessions and 3 key ideas I want to share with you in this article.
Just like seeds, these had been quietly taking root in my mind and growing underground, before they finally broke through the surface of my consciousness.
I’m sure they can help you too.
1 – Look your fears straight in the eyes
When we’re submerged with worried thoughts, the general inclination from loved ones is to advise us to “be positive” and “try not to think about it.”
This is well-intentioned, yet not very effective advice.
The Pink Elephant Thought Experiment suggests that the more we try to suppress a thought, the more we end up thinking about it.
What if I told you not to think of a pink elephant right now? Don’t think about it…
No…
Stop it!
See what happens? A pink elephant immediately comes to mind.
In my opinion, the best advice on how to handle worry might come from the philosophical world, and from one philosopher in particular – Seneca, the ultimate stoic.
Responding to a cry for help from his friend Lucilius, Seneca wrote him Letter 24 in which he says:
“You write me that you are anxious about the result of a lawsuit, with which an angry opponent is threatening you; and you expect me to advise you to picture to yourself a happier issue, and to rest in the allurements of hope […]
But I shall conduct you to peace of mind by another route: if you would put off all worry, assume that what you fear may happen will certainly happen in any event.”
Seneca tells us that we should not run away from our anxious thoughts. We should instead:
Look them straight in the eyes
Fiercely grab them with both hands
Examine them from every angle
Get comfortable with the possibility that they might come true
…and decide that if they do, we’re capable of overcoming them.
This is a fundamental idea in Stoicism; an idea formulated hundreds of years ago, yet equally powerful today.
It reminds me of exposure therapy for phobia treatment. Imaginal exposure, for example, consists of vividly imagining the feared situation to reduce anxiety from it.
Eventually, you might just be able to hold that hairy spider in your hand without having a stroke.
2 – Realise the futility of it all
None of it matters.
I love this quote from The Almanack of Naval Ravikant, the renowned investor and thinker:
“Here’s a hot tip:
There is no legacy. There’s nothing to leave.
We’re all going to be gone.
Our children will be gone.
Our works will be dust.
Our civilisations will be dust.
Our planet will be dust.
Our solar system will be dust.
In the grand scheme of things, the Universe has been around for ten billion years. It’ll be around for another ten billion years.”
Your entire life, all of your joys and problems, they are nothing but a “firefly blink in a night.”
Naval says that to gain perspective, he likes thinking of entire civilisations that have disappeared, like the Sumerians.
When is the last time you heard anyone bring up the Sumerians or anything that they did? And yet, they roamed this earth for around 3000 years, filled with dreams and fears.
I encourage you to think about the insignificance of your worries and find peace in the fact that nothing really matters that much.
Soon enough, you and everybody who has ever known you will be completely gone.
Your fears are valid. Yet, it’s crucial to de-dramatize them and not let them rob you of the fleeting and precious present moment.
There’s this visual exercise I like to do when I’m feeling anxious:
It consists of taking a bird’s-eye view perspective.
I imagine myself as a bird, standing at my own window, looking at my worried self from behind the glass.
Then suddenly, I fly higher and look at the entire building I’m in, my sitting body getting smaller and smaller as I fly away.
I fly a bit higher and there goes my neighborhood, my city, the entire country, then the continent.
I might be some kind of supersonic bird, as I even leave planet Earth and look at it from up above.
I realize the real me is there somewhere, sitting in my house. But I suddenly seem so very small and insignificant. A microscopic dot.
And so do all my worries.
3 – You got this
Remember: Anxiety exaggerates the threat and underestimates your ability to deal with it.
It is crucial that you train your brain to believe that if it comes to the worst, it will be awful but you will still survive it.
Your body and mind will tap into unused reserves of strength and you will come out of it alive.
My fertility treatment ended up failing and for a couple of weeks, I was crushed.
Yet here I am, still breathing and looking forward to the next step, safe in the knowledge that I might never achieve my goal of being a mother…
…and that I would still be okay.
I now realize that it doesn’t really matter that much.
In the grand scheme of things, nothing does.
This brings me peace.
So go ahead, whatever you’re going through at the moment:
Play a staring contest with your fears
Believe that the worst may happen
Breathe and remind yourself that if it did, you will cope
In the blink of an eye, we will all be gone, and nothing will matter anyways.
So meanwhile, why not have the best possible life?
I shared my story and now I’d love to hear yours. Have you ever stared your fears in the face? I’d love to know what happened.
Very powerful piece, Ilham! Your strength of character in this vulnerable situation shows just how much wisdom you carry in your soul. I have no doubt that everything will come around for you at the right time. I loved your bird reference! I do this too sometimes, but not as a bird. I just picture myself floating in space, seeing the Earth from a distance, and then all the fears, worries, and nonsensical aspects of my life feel so small compared to the Universe. It instantly gives me the peace I need to relax any anxious thoughts. Thank you for sharing your vulnerable moments with us! And remember, there's always a way around everything! 🤍
Ilham, this is such an insightful and thought provoking piece and I wish you luck with your continued journey to becoming a mum.
I used to suffer with anxiety until something bigger woke me up - the possibility of losing my life. There’s a sense of calm and purpose that comes with such a predicament. Thankfully, I came through the other side and now life is much calmer and steady.
I hope I can write a piece to share this story one day that is more of a conversation like this… ooh! Just had an idea 💡
Thanks again for sharing something so personal and helpful 💖