How to Find Calm in Uncertain Times
3 steps to quiet your mind no matter what comes next
It was just another Friday morning. I was on my 40-minute drive to work, listening to a podcast.
What I love about podcasts is that they teach, entertain, and keep me company on the road.
And every now and then, I hear something that blows my mind.
That Friday was one of those moments. This insight struck a chord:
“Humans never genuinely pursue happiness.
They only pursue relief from uncertainty.
Happiness emerges momentarily as a byproduct whenever uncertainty briefly disappears.”
I’m not sure I fully agree with the first part, but I couldn’t deny how much it reflected me these past few years: low tolerance for uncertainty, high need for control.
And I know it’s been eating at my well-being.
As someone who wants to reduce avoidable suffering and enjoy my short time on earth as much as I can, I realized I needed to get to work.
I’ve gathered 3 very powerful ideas that can significantly increase our tolerance for uncertainty.
They help me, and I’m sure they can help you too.
Idea nº1: The Tiger Isn’t in the Room
Low tolerance for uncertainty is a problem.
It triggers excessive worrying which can have serious consequences on our mental health.
If you only remember one idea from this post, let it be this one:
“Thoughts create emotions.”
Our thoughts are literally emotion-generating machines.
“What if things never get better?” → Sinking sensation, depression
“They haven’t replied... They’re probably mad at me.” → Worry, anxiety
“What if I mess this up and they think I’m incompetent?” → Inadequacy, shame
One minute, you’re standing on solid ground. The next, a tide of catastrophic thoughts carries you downstream, screaming and gasping for air.
You see, your brain takes your catastrophic visualizations very seriously.
It does not differentiate between real and imagined threats, and actually reacts in the same way to both.
Except one makes sense and is key for our survival, while the other is absurd.
As Eckhart Tolle says, “The tiger isn’t in the room. The only threatening presence is your thoughts.”
Every time you find yourself caught in the current, ask yourself:
“What am I thinking that’s making me feel this way?”
You can write your thoughts down, analyze and question them, or simply go over them in your head.
See them as what they are: just thoughts. Not predictions.
There’s no need to immediately solve anything yet. Simply taking a step back and asking yourself this question already puts you ahead of most people.
It’s already a strong step towards overcoming excessive worrying.
Idea nº2: What’s in My Control?
You’ve pinpointed the thoughts that are ruining your mood.
It’s worth celebrating. Congratulations!
The next move is to simply realize that these thoughts do not serve us.
So, we’ll make the conscious choice not to believe them.
We’ll close our eyes, take a few breaths, and notice how our body feels.
We’ll choose to step out of the current and reach safer shores.
I’m not religious but I often think about the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."
And so we ask:
“What’s in my control right now?”
If I’m worried about losing my job, I can update my resume, start an emergency fund, or learn a new skill.
If I’m overwhelmed by an important decision, I can make a pros and cons list, gather more information, or ask a trusted friend for advice.
If I’m due for fertility treatment, I can sign up for a yoga class, make healthy meals, or try acupuncture.
We focus our energy on these actions and nothing else.
Idea nº3: The Stockdale Paradox
What about the things we have no control over? The ones that could effectively ruin our lives forever?
Things like pandemics, unexpected illness, or the devastating death of a loved one in an accident.
For these, I call on the Stockdale Paradox.
Admiral Jim Stockdale was a prisoner during the Vietnam War.
From 1965 to 1973, he was repeatedly tortured before he was able to recover his freedom and be reunited with his loved ones. He ended up becoming a national hero and a writer, before he passed away at home at age 81.
When interviewed by author Jim Collins, he said:
“I never lost faith in the end of the story. I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade.”
From this came the Stockdale Paradox: the ability to hold these two strong ideas at once; accepting the brutality of one’s circumstances, and holding an unwavering faith in one’s ability to prevail.
I’m far from being as mentally resilient as Admiral Stockdale was.
Yet, I try. Every day. When the future seems gloomy and I get caught in worries about disasters that are out of my control, I formulate the thought:
“If this happens, I will prevail.”
Your Uncertainty Survival Kit
So remember, the next time you find yourself struggling to make peace with uncertainty, dig into this toolkit:
🔧“What thoughts are making me feel bad?”
🔨 Taking a few breaths and stepping out of the stream.
🪓“What’s in my control?”
🪛“If disaster strikes, I will prevail.”
Please don’t give up if it doesn’t work on the first trial.
We’re only aiming for 1% better each day.
If this piece helped you breathe a little easier, hit the ❤️ to let me know. You might enjoy this one too: Stop Catastrophic Thoughts in 5 Easy Steps
This is so good. The breakdown with the diagram and the structure is so well done and written. Thank you for sharing.
A really insightful and lovely article, Ilham. I have also never read or heard the Serenity prayer, which was nice to be introduced to as well. Thank you