From Ice Queen to Adult: A Lesson in Maturity

For anyone who freezes instead of speaking up, this one's for you.

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Someone says something that stings. Ouch.

My mind goes blank and I say nothing.

I feel their words slowly sinking into my chest.
They feel heavy.
Their weight lingers there, oppressing me.

The moment passes, the conversation shifts but so have I.

I’ve slowly turned into Ice Queen.
Quiet. Cold. Snappy.

And for the foreseeable future, I will instill every single one of our interactions with this icy breath, until you finally ask me what’s wrong.

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The Origin of The Cold

There’s this Moroccan concept called nefss.
It roughly translates into a mix of pride and self-respect. Moroccans are big on nefss.
We’ll raise our head, lightly pat our noses with our fingertips, and say “my nefss is up here.”

It means “I’m a proud person,” “I have self-respect,” “I won’t be humiliated.”
We carry our nefss like a badge of honor.

This idea was central to my upbringing. And while I’m all for some healthy pride, it often gave my ego permission to take the wheel.

I learned — mostly by watching others — that whenever somebody I’m close to hurts me, this is the proper procedure to follow:

1. Lash out at the person in the moment. Give them a witty I’ll-put-you-back-in-your-place reply.
   If you don’t, it must mean you’re a pushover and have no nefss.
   To reclaim some of it, move to the next step.

2. You will now proceed to completely ignore this person and wait, expectantly, for the next time they approach you.
   Meanwhile, relive the moment a hundred times in your head and rehearse all the manners in which you’ll make them pay.

3. When they finally reach out, don’t look at them.
   If they make a joke, don’t laugh nor smile.
   If they ask a question, don’t answer them, or do so in very short, dry replies.
   Extra points if you’re unnecessarily dismissive.

4. Maintain this attitude until, intrigued and pained, the offending party asks you what’s wrong.
   When they do, hallelujah! Some variation of this dialogue can now unfold:

— Is something wrong? You seem off.
— I’m fine.
— Did I do something to upset you?
— Well I don’t know, did you?
— What did I do?

And then maybe, after what could last minutes or days, we’ll finally get into the problem. The offence.
There can finally be a conversation about what happened and, in the best of scenarios, some repair.
But in many cases, the cold facade ends up melting away too soon, and the underlying resentment remains within us, fossilizing into bigger issues over time.

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Emotional Maturity Isn’t Automatic

I wish physical and emotional maturity grew in sync. But it doesn’t always work that way.
So many children are stuck into the bodies of functioning adults.
We throw tantrums, we sulk and, just like crying babies, we expect others to guess our needs and tend to them.
We think we’re angry, but deep down, we’re terrified. We run away from tough conversations as if we were chased by a tiger.

In moments of conflict, God forbid we show our loved ones that we’re vulnerable.

This is a problem. When we give others the silent treatment, it gives us an illusion of control. We’re back at the reins and now have the power to punish them.

But is punishment the best way forward? What’s really going on inside us?

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Behind The Ice Wall

I realized that behind my facade of detachment and superiority, lied a weeping child, terrified to be found out.
Because then, they’ll know how much I cared and how vulnerable I was.
I’ll lose my power.

One day — much later in my adult life than I care to admit — I realized the previously described procedure didn’t serve me.
So, I tore it down and tossed it out. I disposed of it like I would some obsolete gadget.
It might have served an earlier version of me. But it was no longer compatible with my new OS.

The switch happened after years of observing others stuck in these toxic dynamics. I could witness first hand how much it hurt their relationships.

I decided this was not who I wanted to be.
I understood that difficult conversations have a high return on investment.

I saw my ice wall for what it was: childish, cowardly, and a desperate cry for help.

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Bringing Up the Thermostat

My default mode is still going -30ºC when I’m mad at someone I care about. But now I catch myself and never allow it to go on for long.
I give myself a short time to calm down and breathe, then I pick a moment to reach out and say:

“When you did X, it made me feel Y because Z.”

I won’t lie, it doesn’t feel good in the moment.
In fact, I hate every minute of it.
My voice will shake, I’ll tear up.
But I hate it the way I hate going to the dentist.
It’s not a pleasant moment. Yet, it’s necessary.
The important relationships in my life deserve the discomfort.

The stranger who bumps into you and doesn’t apologize? That you can let go of.
But your best friend, your partner, or the coworker you spend 40+ hours a week with? They’re worth it.

This is what it means to be a mature adult.

And the conversation gives the other person a space to explain and apologize.
It builds intimacy and trust.

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A Closing Thought

If like me, you have a tendency to turn into an AC when triggered, I get it. It doesn’t even feel like something we do on purpose. It just happens.

But we can fight it and choose to act in a more mature way.

The next time a loved one hurts you, consider observing your reaction.
Name what you’re feeling and try to understand why.
Then use your words and just tell the person what they did and the way it made you feel.

Skip the accusations and the nasty comments. Don’t assume they know. Tell them.

Maturing is becoming aware of our patterns and choosing how we want to show up. Remember, nothing grows in icy temperatures.

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