From Rumination to Calm: 3 Strategies to Stop Rehashing Negative Thoughts
How to recognize brooding rumination and take back control of your thoughts
I was 9 years old the first time I heard about rumination. It was at school, during science class.
The teacher explained the gross concept of how certain animals regurgitate and rechew their food.
We watched a video of a big beautiful cow sitting under a tree, ruminating.
I can still see its lower jaw moving in that slow, chewing lateral motion over and over again.
Little did I know at the time that rumination was going to be a big part of my life too.
Not because I was going to pursue an animal-related career (I didn’t), but because, just like the cow, I was frequently going to engage in rumination myself.
Not with my food, though, but rather, with past events, conversations, and emotions.
For many years, and to this day, I would constantly find myself revisiting difficult moments, and intensely distilling them.
“I should’ve said this and that.”
“That was so rude! How dare he treat me this way? I should’ve done something.”
But here’s the thing about brooding rumination: it may come from a proactive intention and offer momentary relief, but it rarely leads to effective results. Rather than crossing from one side of the troubled lake to the other, our little boat gets stuck in the middle, going in useless circles.
In this article, I want to explore exactly why brooding rumination is ineffective and the strategies that get me to the other side.
What’s Brooding Rumination?
Brooding rumination is what happens when we get stuck in negative emotions, as if we’d stepped on quicksand. In her excellent book Emotional Agility, award-winning psychologist Susan David describes brooding as a cousin of worry.
“Both are intensely self-focused and both involve trying to inhabit a moment that’s not now,” she writes. “But while worry looks forward, brooding looks back — an even more pointless exercise.”
Not only does brooding amplify past negative experiences, but it keeps them alive for much longer than their objective life span. When you think about it, an unpleasant conversation with someone may last 5 to 10 minutes. But brooding will keep it alive for days, maybe weeks.
In an effort to resolve this, we’ll keep bringing it up with ourselves, and processing it over and over again. We get stuck in an inextricable maze, desperately looking for the exit, exhausting ourselves.
Brooding Likes Company
After grappling with our difficult emotions for a while, we may start reaching out to our support system. We’ll call a friend and pull them into our pity party. We’ll complain about our boss’s complete lack of empathy, or a colleague’s way of giving us backhanded compliments.
Which is fine and can be a healthy way to regulate our emotions.
Unless... it leaves us just as activated as when we started complaining and… this is the 1000th time we’ve vented to them about this in the same week, making them emotionally depleted.
Dr. Nicole LePera calls it emotional dumping. In her book How to Do the Work, she discusses how harmful it can be to unload negative emotional energy on someone else. Although it’s rarely intentional, she mentions how it can truly feel like a punishment.
This tendency to engage in excessive self-focus can erode our relationship with close ones, as it leaves little space for them.
I’m often on the receiving end of these never-ending, co-brooding sessions. In those moments, I visualize this as someone dumping a big load of trash on my head, leaving me feeling just as bad as they do.
The Meta-Feeling Spiral
The particularity of brooding is that soon enough, it has us formulating thoughts about our thoughts, that turn into feelings about our feelings. What psychologists call meta-feelings.
This may sound like:
“Being so nervous all the time is making me nervous.”
“This much stress can’t be good for my health.”
“I’m frustrated that I’m so irritated about this, even though I know it shouldn’t matter so much.”
Although understandable, these meta-feelings are counterproductive. It’s the snake eating its own tail. They only exacerbate our distress and perpetuate the loop of gloom.
So What Can We Do Instead?
Now we’ve established what brooding is and why it’s no good for us, what should we do about it?
I have three go-to strategies that always help:
1. Address the root cause, not the symptoms
This is a tough one. Essentially, what brooding attempts to do is to regulate our difficult emotions. Although venting and grappling with the emotion itself can provide momentary relief, treating the symptom while ignoring the root cause will not make the brooding stop.
For instance, when the brooding is induced by a conflict with someone, our first inclination is to ruminate on it, and then complain about it to anyone except the relevant party.
This doesn’t solve the root cause of the problem and leads to all the regrettable consequences mentioned above.
Therefore, whenever we can, we should address the root cause of whatever we’re dealing with. More often than not, this will mean having the difficult conversation, implementing a change, taking action.
And yes, it can be terrifying. But the return on investment will make it worth it.
2. Like Elsa, see if you can “Let it go!”
I acknowledge that not all situations will allow for action, for a myriad of reasons. Maybe you’re dealing with a toxic authority figure who’s not receptive to feedback, or you have no way of reaching whomever caused you pain.
In such cases, you can instead choose to simply “let it go.”
I know what you’re thinking: “Easier said than done.”
Yes, but also, with the right tools, not impossible. Here’s what my toolkit looks like:
Assume positive intent
The weird look the cashier gave you? Maybe they really liked your dress.The cold tone with which your friend greeted you the other day? They were probably having an incredibly hard day and didn’t mean to make you feel bad.
Take some distance
I do this by remembering cosmic irrelevance and taking a bird view on the issue. I wrote about both here: Take Nothing Personally, It’s the Best feeling Ever.
3. Activate “Self-Compassion” mode
This is, in my view, the most powerful one of the three. Forgive yourself for your shortcomings.
If you’re like me, your brooding sessions are often tainted with a lot of resentment… toward yourself.
So what if you didn’t say the right thing? Or if you didn’t respond to that verbal attack in the satisfying way you’re now fantasizing about?
What would you say to your best friend, or a little child, if they were going through something similar? Would you lash out at them? Call them an idiot?
Or would you provide them with appeasing words, remind them of their best qualities, and give them a hug?
Start extending that same kindness to yourself, and your whole life will change more than you can imagine.
I can’t tell you how many times in the past year I’ve returned to the image of that ruminating cow.
When I catch myself in endless thinking loops, I now give myself a little wink and think:
You are not a cow. Rumination is not helpful to you.
The analogy makes me smile and reminds me to dig into my toolkit for a more effective approach
So, next time you catch yourself brooding, remember these strategies and try one of them. Let me know how it goes!
I'm happy to say that it's been years now that I'm no longer that cow! Ruminating not on grass, but on awkward conversations from 1998! Thank you for naming the spiral with clarity and kindness.