5 Simple things that immediately make you more emotionally intelligent

Nº 3 has made the biggest impact on my life.

There’s this misconception that you either have emotional intelligence or you don’t. As if it was some kind of gift bestowed upon you at birth… or not. And that couldn’t be further from the truth.
When it comes to emotional intelligence, the good news is that it’s a skill. A highly learnable one. And while books, podcasts, and formal training are all fantastic ways to improve, I’ve found that a few simple, almost invisible, things can have a huge impact.

Here are 5 actions that instantly make you more emotionally intelligent:

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1. When you feel triggered, pause.

   Every time you pause when every bone in your body is urging you to scream, you win. That pause, even a very brief one, gives your prefrontal cortex time to come back at the wheel and bring along some wisdom with it.
   You have now moved from autopilot to choice, and isn’t that beautiful?
   If you allow it, emotional regulation will dramatically improve your life.

2. Name your emotion precisely

   This is where you flex that sweet self-awareness muscle.
   You can’t manage what you can’t name. So instead of keeping your head in the fog, how about playing the little game of What am I feeling Right Now? And sad, mad, bad won’t do. We’ll want to go really specific here.
   Sometimes a dominating emotion will come up very quickly: “I’m frustrated!”
   But more often than not, the answer will sound more like a recipe: “A big cup of frustration, 2 tablespoons of disappointment, and a pinch of apprehension.”

   It’s okay if the answer doesn’t show up right away. You can use an emotional wheel to help you pin point the right description. Here’s one I like.

3. Separate facts from the story you’re telling yourself

   This has been a big one for me.
   The brain is a meaning-making machine and all it does all day long is fill gaps with stories. The key here is to separate the two:

   • Fact: “They replied two hours later.”

   • Story: “They’re ignoring me.”

   • A more helpful story: “They replied two hours later. There must be a valid reason for that that I don’t know right now.”

     Doing this saves you from lots of unnecessary stress.

4. Replace vague assumptions with solid data

   Now that we’re able to see our brain as the compelling storyteller it is, we can take an extra step and find out the truth.
   How? Easy: By asking for it before jumping to conclusions.

   So instead of ruminating on “They’re mad at me” and “that was disrespectful”, try finding out the facts by simply asking questions. “What made you react in that way?”
   By doing this, you’re activating two core EQ skills: Empathy and social awareness. So, take out your little fossil brush and dig a little deeper: What is it like from their point of view?

5. Stay on your own side after a mistake

   After a mistake, the natural inclination for many of us is self-attack.
   ”I’m so stupid”, “I always mess everything up.”

   All this does is trigger feelings of shame. And shame will shut down learning and growth faster than anything else.
   Staying on your own side keeps the focus on the behavior, not your entire identity.

   “I didn’t handle that very well. I’ll do better next time.”
   Self-compassion, cheesy as it may sound, is a powerhouse for emotional stability, resilience and I dare say, even productivity.

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   I love these five because they demystify emotional intelligence as being this big, intimidating goal. They can easily slip into your daily life and make you smarter every time you care to use them. 1% at a time.

   Pick one of these and try it today. Which one are you choosing?
   If you want help applying this in real situations, I offer 1:1 sessions. Apply here —>