34 Things I Know

A collection of adulthood lessons from 34 years of life, in no particular order.

1. I know being an immigrant comes with endless duality: feeling at home everywhere and nowhere all at once, content in your new soil while longing for the old one, noticing both the shared humanity and the profound differences …

2. I know conflict is inevitable. It’s the repair — or the absence of it — that either elevates a relationship or deteriorates it.

3. I know your go-to people might not be the ones who’ll provide the most comfort when you go through something they know little about. More distant friends, or even strangers, going through the same thing will make you feel more seen. And that’s okay and normal.

4. I know the best way to be interesting is to be interested. Genuinely. That means looking someone in the eyes, asking them about their opinions, childhood, or how they met their spouse.

5. I know old friendships are precious. Unless they’re truly toxic, we shouldn’t cut old friends from our lives. If there’s recurring tension between us, we should instead see less of them for shorter, higher-quality time that leaves no room for drama.

6. I know it’s possible to desperately want to achieve a goal I’m not certain I want.

7. When supporting a loved one through a hard season, I know I don’t have to say the right words. I don’t even have to speak at all. There’s deep value in just sitting with them in the dark, holding their hand, and acknowledging how sh*tty their situation is.

8. I’m very good at job interviews for one main reason: I know asking questions will put me ahead of most candidates. The questions don’t even have to be exceptionally smart. I just act like I’m about to step into the role the next day and start gathering the information I’d need to get started.

9. I know you should forgive your parents’ shortcomings, if you can. They’re the result of their own upbringing and probably didn’t know any better. Do it for you.

10. Manifestation is the closest thing I know to sorcery. It absolutely works.

11. I know some questions are remarkably powerful. Ask yourself what puts you in a state of awe and makes your mind go quiet. And schedule doing just that more often. In my case, it’s live music. If that’s you too, buy the tickets, go to the concert, dance the night away.

12. I know skipping sugar at breakfast should be a non-negotiable.

13. I know you should tell your partner that you appreciate them every day. Thank them for the latest favor they did you. Even the smallest one, like cooking dinner or fixing something around the house. And not just a quick “thanks”. Say things like “I really appreciate you doing this. It brought me so much joy and I want you to know I don’t take it for granted”.

    Does it sound awkward and overly dramatic? Maybe. So what? The returns on that little moment of vulnerability are tenfold.

14. Along the same lines, I know we treat people closest to us with much less of the extra care we reserve for strangers. But they too deserve that generous smile and cheerful “How are you doing today?”

15. I know my thoughts are emotion generators. I can reverse engineer how I feel by deciding what I want to feel and designing my thoughts accordingly. A recurrent one I keep returning to when I’m anxious is “my needs are valid”.

16. I know if someone you’re not close with gossips to you about somebody else, they’ll probably do the same about you with others. Try not to engage with that conversation.

17. I know our brains love simple and black or white. Most things in life are complex and grey. This applies to ideas, people, politics and more.

18. I now know you can’t change people. At best, you can nudge them and support them; if and only if they’re already doing the work.

19. If, like me, you get scared during flight turbulence, I know it’ll help to remember that no commercial plane has crashed due to turbulence in decades and the probability that yours will is effectively zero. Close your eyes and take deep breaths. Focus on the breath and nothing else.

20. I know getting out the door is the hardest part of any run.

21. I know that cleaning and tidying my house right before going on holiday is a love declaration from me to future me. I love the big thank you hug she gives me when she returns.

22. I know reactive, screaming adults are terrified children. Terrified of losing control, of not being respected, of losing face. Many adults have the emotional maturity of a four-year-old. Learn to see the love-craving child in them and you’ll resent them much less.

23. I know whatever problem I have, some other human has already solved it. All I have left to do is find out how.

24. After eating poorly my whole life and developing a chronic disease, I now know nutrition is crucial and the only way to significantly improve it is to remove friction. For me, that means having an oven, frozen cut aromatics, store-bought cooked veggies and legumes in glass jars (with zero additives) and pre-cut meats and fish. I also know parmesan, feta cheese and thyme can make any veggie delicious.

25. At work, I know it’s always better to be overdressed than underdressed. When in doubt, go for the fancier option and never underestimate the self-confidence boost from a cute outfit.

26. I know shame is a destructive feeling and silence is its best friend. If you have unspeakable shame about something in your life that generates frequent intrusive thoughts and pulls you out of the present, understand that the weapon against it is to say it out loud to someone helpful. You’ll be shocked at how quickly that weight can disappear.

27. I know learning to enjoy my own company is the most important lesson of my twenties. Painful to learn, yet endlessly empowering.

28. I know life off-script events are inevitable. Sooner or later, every human is bound to experience at least one of these: Premature death of a loved one, losing a job, a natural disaster, a scary disease, infertility, divorce, war. The sooner we realize and accept this brutal truth, the less bitter we’ll feel when that day comes.

29. I know justice is a human invention. It’s a very useful concept to avoid living in chaos, but there’s no such thing as justice in nature. Expecting justice out of life events is unrealistic and a recipe for distress. I wrote an entire post about it here.

30. I know that if I see someone I know treat a waiter badly, it’s time to reevaluate that relationship.

31. I know my brain’s number one priority is to keep me alive, not happy.

32. I know the lifetime of any emotion is only a few seconds. The length and nature of the story we tell ourselves about it is what keeps it going for longer. This works for both nice and difficult emotions. Think accordingly.

33. I know the Moroccan in me will never stop treating house guests as kings and queens of my place.

34. I know it’s immensely helpful to remember our cosmic irrelevance. We’re nothing more than microscopic dots rotating in a tiny sphere. We get to do that during a ridiculously short period of time, and then we die. And so does everyone who has ever known us. This somber, yet liberating, fact comes in handy when blocked by the fear of judgement or stuck in rumination over tiny things.

I stole this article’s format from Sacha Chapin, who himself stole it from Mari Andrew. Not only do they both know more things than I do, but the depth of their insights blew me away. You can read their posts here:
Sacha’s 50 things I know
Mari’s 100 things I know

What’s one thing you know at your current age that you wish more people understood?
Hit reply or share it in the comments, I’d love to read it.